Wisdom

I am really missing my grandmother lately.  I miss the fact that she loved me unconditionally and she knew what to say to make my pain go away.  As I am getting married and having issues with some of his family, I wish I could talk to her and she could tell me things to make it better.  I am not sure if there is anything better than a grandmother's unconditional love.

I never had the best relationship with my parents for various reasons.  I knew that they loved me but, sometimes it just didn't feel that way.  When I was with my grandmother I felt like she always loved me. I felt like her eyes lit up when I walked in the room.  I loved going to her house and listening to her stories. I miss her whipping something up that was always delicious.

When my grandmother got sick, I did not want to see her because I felt like she was not my grandmother anymore. She didn't look like herself.  I hadn't seen her for a few years after my parents got divorced. (I just wasn't sure what to do in that situation and I ended up losing time with her.)

When Lucas and I got together I said that he had to meet my grandmother.  It was like I wanted her approval.  She got really sick that weekend and ended up in the hospital.  The first day that Lucas could see her was the day she died.  I stood in the ICU and held her hand and told her that i loved her.  She couldn't' speak but, she started to cry.  She moved the side of her body that still could as best as she could trying to let me know she knew I was there. I didn't want her to work any harder and she had been sick for so long, I told her it was okay if she left.  That day she did.

I just wish I could be selfish and bring her back for a day so we could talk.  So she could tell me everything will be okay.  So she could impart some words of wisdom in my situation and compliment me only the way she could.  Everything that came out her mouth, I believed.

Grandma always made you feel she had been waiting to see just you all day and now the day was complete.
-- Marcy DeMaree

Reading is Fun!

I used to be the girl who read ALL the time!  I was never without a book.  I did the "Book-It" challenges from Pizza Hut and the summer library reading challenges.  I am not sure when that ended but, I am ready to put some reading back into my life. 

I read about eight books this year and that was good for me considering the fact, I was probably reading one book a year before that.  There were some books I couldn't put down and there were some that I actually did.  This year I am going to challenge myself to keep reading those books because sometimes they actually get better.  I just have to make it past the first however many pages.... Blech!By doing this, at least I can tell a person why I absolutely hated a book or that it had a really slow beginning.

I think reading will really compliment my lifestyle. It will get my brain working again and step up my vocabulary game.  It will be something to do when I am "bored."  (You know those first world problems we always have.)  When the spring is here it will be nice to sit on my porch or in my backyard and read while my dogs play outside. 

I am doing Courtney's 15,000 pages challenge and Kate's "Read Your Name" Challenge. I am challenging myself to finish books I start. I encourage others to do the same!

I Love Your Relationship

I have had a few people lately tell me much they love my relationship.  They see the way we act around each other and how it seems effortless. I hear people say that we are just a fun couple. I am glad that that is what people see from my relationship.  I like the fact that people aren't necessarily annoyed when we come around.  (At least I hope not.)

This was a journey to get here.  We have been put through the "ringer" by others and we have  put ourselves through it as well.  There were times where we couldn't stand being around ourselves.  We have had our phase of fighting, jealousy, stupidity, and everything else you hear a relationship goes through.  I think we just wanted to get it all over with before we got into the more serious aspect of our relationship.

In the beginning, I could not open up to Lucas the way he could to me.  I had so many trust issues, I just couldn't do it. I could not reveal to him everything I was because I felt like he wouldn't like me anymore.  I was never really "fake".  I just tried to not show him everything.  It still scares me to think we are going to be living together and I really can't hide anything from him then.  I don't hide anything right now but, it just seems like I still have the chance to since we do not live together.

Being completely open and honest in a relationship is something you grow up hearing.  You know it is true because it makes sense.  However, until you live it, you don't realize how much it really does make a difference.  It wasn't until my grandmother died in August of 2009 that I truly bared my soul to Lucas. I had cried in front of him before but,  it was simply a few tears and that is all I would allow him to see. One day I finally balled my eyes out.  I mean, there was sobbing and I had the ugly cry face on.  (You know the ugly cry face you try to hide from the world.) First, I hid my face and I ran to the bathroom.  I was so embarrassed I had broken down in front of him and I wanted to hide.  He just stood at the door broken hearted because there was nothing he could do to help me.  He offered me his shirt to wipe my tears.  I made a joke that I would blow my nose in it and he said he didn't care.  (I know it's pretty disgusting but,  it was a sweet gesture to just try to do anything to help.) I laughed.  I then cried on his shoulder and in those moments I knew that I didn't have to hide anything anymore because he loved me even during my ugly cry.

From that moment on I knew it was us against the world.  He loved me for me and how could I not  love someone like that.  (This happened about a week after we had decided to become "official".)  It was one of the worst weeks in my life and it as if God knew this was the person I had to have standing next to me to help me get through it.

But the most exciting, challenging and significant relationship of all is the one you have with yourself. And if you find someone to love the you that you love, well, that's just fabulous. - Carrie, Sex and the City

November 27, 2011

This is the date that Lucas got down on one knee and asked me to be his wife.  My fiance is not the most romantic guy.  It is something I have learned and I am working on not asking him to be (at least not so often). =)  (I am also documenting this because we kind of forgot the exact date we became official.  It was a pretty rough time for me and so we decided we would say August 12th.)

It was just a random point in the day.  We were going to take the beasts (my dogs) to a friend's house so they could play with their dogs.  He went to the store and got the ring and when he got back he told me to close my eyes.  When I opened them he was on one knee and he asked me to marry him.  It was very exciting! (He thought that I wanted the ring so that I could look at it all the time but, I look at it more of a "stay away from me" ring.  It is also something I can look at and be reminded of him all the time.)

Lucas then had dinner with my mom the following Thursday while I was away in Chicago.  She was very excited to hear the news and welcomes Lucas with open arms.  She is also upset that I did not show her the ring before I left.  (I blame it on Lucas for not having the dinner earlier.) 

Lucas' dad gave me a kiss on the forehead (which I think are the sweetest kisses) when he saw me and his brother and sister are very welcoming of me.  Even some of his extended family seemed happy.  (I have only met them once before.) 

Everyone has so much advice to give and it gets tiring but, I know that most of the time it comes from a good place. We have faced some adversity throughout this relationship and I am sure we will continue to do so but, I am glad that we have faced it together because it has solidified us.  I am glad that no matter what I face he will be beside me.  We may make some mistakes along the way but, I know we will be fine.

It's Official

I am officially engaged to the love of my life.  I love my guy and I love my ring!  He is not however, the man I dreamed of. (Don't worry I have already talked to him about this.)  I want to write this post so people know good things don't always come in the  box you would have picked and that sometimes your dreams are not what you need.

When I was younger, I envisioned a tall, dark skinned, muscular man. (I actually had a dream about it once.)  I dated two of those guys, both were very sweet and good men but, they just did not work out and both for the same reason.  They were moving much faster than I wanted and I was not compromising myself for anyone.  I dated a few other guys but, none of them worked out for me. 

Along comes this kid.  (I am looking at him as  a kid because he is seven years younger than me.)  He says that he really likes me and wants to be with me.   I kind of laugh in his face and say it's some sort of infatuation and he'll get over it.  I have my 25th birthday party at The Mont in Norman and he attends.  I get drunk that night and I come onto him. He is only 18 (I know guys, he's young... I try to leave the age thing out of the story when I usually tell it but, since I am being honest on this blog, I had to put it out there.)  so he is scared and does nothing about it.  

Fast forward a couple of months and we are watching Lord of the Rings.  We are kind of talking throughout (because I didn't realize how important of a movie it was) and he proceeds to tell me a story about how he was on a ten day hike in boyscouts.  A guy in his camp snored and Lucas got so upset about this boy snoring that he hit him on the head and woke him up.  I was scared for my life to fall asleep. (I knew he wouldn't hit me but, I didn't want him to know that I snored.) I fell asleep.  We woke up the next morning to his parents calling him wondering where he was.  I think that snapped me back into reality of how young this guy really was.  It was fun hanging out with him and we continued to do so but, I knew I couldn't let myself get too caught up because it was never going to go anywhere.

Fast forward to present day and we are getting married. (He put a ring on it!)  It wasn't until a little over two years ago when we went through one of our most challenging times that I realized how much I loved him and needed him in my life.  I don't like the phrase, "he completes me" because I knew myself before he came along.  He does compliment me and bring out the best in me.  For that I am truly grateful because he is the first to do so in a long time.

Although Lucas is not the man I always dreamed of, he is the one that was meant for me.We have come through a lot together and have faced those challenges head on. There are days when I think, "I would never have imagined marrying you" but, I know he is the one for me. He challenges me, he allows me to be me, and most of all he loves me.

I really wanted to get this post out there and next time, I will talk about my ring.

A New Spin on Journaling

This is my first time to ever blog! There are so many reasons I wanted to start this blog but I would have to guess the main one is because I am starting a new chapter in my life. I am getting married next fall and it has put me into a realization that I am starting a family soon.  I will be completely sharing my life with someone else.  Although, I have always assumed I would get married, I never fully grasped the idea of the sharing my space and things with someone else. It is making me a different person.  I have always been giving but, I have always been so selfish when it comes to personal matters.  My posts will reflect what I am doing, feeling, and how I am growing.  

I assume this journey I am putting myself through is the perfect opportunity for me to share more pieces of myself with people.  I don't like to tell everyone all of my business but, this is a way that I can get some things out without having to send a mass text or e-mail. I have the freedom of anonymity until people in  my life find this page.  Those that want to read it can subscribe and follow all my posts and can always come back to it even when we grow apart.  It will be an honest blog and one that I will write with no shame.

I wanted to start this because I do want to journal my life up to the wedding date and show off the do-it-yourself aspects I am trying out. (I am really excited about them!)  I did not however, want it to be just a blog about my wedding details.  I mean, that could bore someone to death (I read them all the time right now) and I really don't think any of my friends would want to read about it as much as I probably talk about it.  I am very excited to be getting married and it does tend to consume my thoughts but, I am more than just a "bride to be." I want to start here and continue blogging for years to come.  I want to take my journey more publicly (but, not too publicly. I don't think I will ever not be a somewhat private person.)

Another reason, I wanted to start this was so I can show it to my children one day.  I want them to read my life  that is leading up to them.  I will be keeping a more intimate journal on my personal computer but, this is one that they can read as well to correlate the times of these posts with the journal.  I want them to know everything I can think of right now to tell them but, I may forget later in life.  I want them to know how I am now and how much I loved them before they were even born.

This is my journey in words. 

I am not a great writer but, I hope you can enjoy your time here regardless.